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Celebrating Life Everyone Has A Story... |
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Pam Vetter February 10, 2009 |
Unless you've had someone die recently, there is no reason you would know that some clergy deny elements requested by family members who are grieving the death of a loved one. If you think it doesn't happen, think again. It's still happening in 2009. And, it's happening around the world. This reminds consumers stateside and overseas that they need to be prepared to make a choice about funeral service when the time comes.Who do you want to conduct the funeral? Where do you want the funeral? What kind of funeral service do you want? As family and friends attend a funeral service, the decedent has essentially gathered everyone together in one place. This creates the perfect environment to share the decedent's favorite song, personal eulogies and a video or DVD photo montage set to music. However, some clergy are saying "no" to the family's plan at the last minute. Even when the funeral is held outside the confines of the church in a funeral home chapel, elements requested by the family are being denied. Funeral homes remain unwilling to challenge clergy, allowing them to take control away from the family. Even when the family has paid for an additional service, such as the video or DVD photo montage, which was planned to be shown at the funeral service. Sometimes the clergy deny the family directly, while other times they simply give a direction to the funeral director advising them not to play the video during the funeral service. Furthermore, the clergy will have the funeral director tell the family to play the video at another location, outside of the funeral service. What if there is no reception or no other planned gathering? There are clergy who are actually telling funeral directors, "I know they want the montage, but turn it off. I don't want people to be distracted from me." Is the funeral service about the clergy, is it about God, or is it about the deceased? Can it be a shared focus? Denying family funeral wishes is a recipe for upsetting a grieving family, who may reconsider their church and organized religion. Many families have left a church after a funeral didn't fit the decedent or their vision of a meaningful funeral. When holding a service at a funeral home in the United States, there is the perception that "anything goes" at the funeral. But, the "anything goes" result is not guaranteed. In sharing this scenario with voices around the world, Father Daniel Beegan, a priest with the Catholic Charismatic Church, remains an open-minded priest with an amazing understanding of a family's needs. "The photo montage the family wanted could easily have been run at the conclusion of the religious service. I also get annoyed when clergy, primarily bishops, try to ban certain songs from funerals. One New England Roman Catholic bishop issued an edict prohibiting the playing of 'Danny Boy' at funerals, and wasn't the bishop Irish himself." Beegan added, "I certainly can see banning 'Sympathy for the Devil' from a Christian funeral, but not 'Danny Boy.'" What would you do if you were planning a loved one's funeral and you were denied elements in the farewell? What if the funeral director refused to get involved, even though you were paying the bill? That is exactly what happened to Gene Schulist, when his mother passed away in 1998. "We called our local funeral director who has handled most of the family members' passings. Because of her age, and that she had lived in the same neighborhood of over 80 years, we requested that there be a viewing at the church (Catholic) on the morning of the service in addition to the viewing at the funeral home. All of her friends and neighbors were also in their 80's and had a hard time making the funeral home service. The funeral director informed us that 'Fr. Jim' doesn't allow it at the church if it's done at the funeral home. I informed him that I would leave a message for Fr. Jim letting him know that it was going to happen. The funeral director said that he didn't want to get in the middle. I asked him if the priest was going to pay for the service or if we, the family, would. He gave me the phone number," Schulist said. "I left the message and received a call stating that it wouldn't be possible. I called the bishop and told him he may want to intercede. I didn't receive a call back, so I figured everything was fine." At the church the next morning, Schulist instructed the funeral director to open the casket. "The funeral director hesitated as Fr. Jim appeared. I informed Fr. Jim that the casket would be opened for viewing and that I would be saying a few words during the Mass, after the Communion. He told me that it was not allowed, not a part of the liturgy and that I should save my comments for the cemetery. I told him that I would be getting up and going to the altar after the Communion. He had three choices: he could get up and start saying prayers while I spoke; he could leave the altar until I was done or he could just sit there until I was done. After the Communion, I went to the lectern and began to speak. Fr. Jim sat. I finished and sat down. He didn't seem happy," Schulist remembered. "I went up to him after the final commitment at the cemetery. He just stared at me as I said the following: 'You know, Father? I was taught a long time ago by the nuns that I should treat everyone as I would Jesus because, deep down inside, we never know how he may appear. What if....' I finished as I shook his hand and walked away. He later left the priesthood. It was never explained why." UK Celebrant Charles Cowling says that families in the United States are not alone. "Over here it's some Catholics who deny families the right to play their music and, sometimes, speak a eulogy. We don't have DVD memorials over here. There are theological reasons for this, I suppose: the star of any religious ritual must be God and He must not be upstaged," Cowling explained, "The Irish clergy are especially hot on this -- but then the Irish have always been fiery and ascetic. Our own dear Church of England is most accommodating. I don't think that belief in God, for example, is a pre-requisite of membership. They go with everything; the closest they come to demurring is to shuffle embarrassedly. There's been a bit of a storm about all this in Australia, too. The nub of the problem here as, possibly, in your country, is that priests conduct funerals for folk who haven't been in a church for years. It's bound to be unsatisfactory. Inasmuch as the Christian church does not, I believe (but I could be wrong) reckon a funeral to be an indispensable rite, it would be far better for disconnected folk to work up their own mongrel ritual. Or simply engage a priest for the committal. I hate to say this, but there's too much sloppy thinking about religion from those stay-away agnostics who superstitiously suppose that their dead need to be sent on their way with a priest's blessing. What then happens is that the priest does his/her work according to his/her theology and the congregation sits and stares with empty eyes because the dogma means nothing to them or, worse, is inimical. A funeral can only be meaningful and right if people take responsibility and think with rigour. For such people there exist all manner of congenial priests and the whole of the Multifaith ministry. So, while I am sympathetic, I'd also say there's no excuse." Celebrant Neil Dorward of Scotland has some advice for families. "The way round this problem of things going wrong at a funeral and families having the wrong kind of service is to ensure: 1. You write your own eulogy, legacy statement and funeral plan 2. You nominate a great speaker to lead your service 3. You decide in advance if you want a religious service or not and you fully understand what certain religious service are all about and what their purpose is "People plan weddings six months in advance, why not plan the service and nominate a speaker in advance? Civil funerals versus religious funerals; celebration of life versus preaching the good news. Whilst I am fully sympathetic to anyone who has a bad experience at a funeral and some clergymen can make this worse, simply by their manner or speaking voice, I do have some degree of sympathy with the churches," Dorward said. "The Catholic church for example does not celebrate the life of the deceased at a funeral Mass or allow a eulogy because they believe the comfort comes from the faith (of the individual and the community) in the resurrection, the comfort is to focus on Christ's promise of eternal life and the forgiveness of sins, not the person. And, I fully understand why that kind of funeral is needed, because people of faith find comfort in faith." In sharing an example of what a family can face in funeral planning, Dorward notes that family members often have different beliefs. "The problem, as far as I am aware, is that when it comes to arranging a funeral, very often the five children of the deceased all have different relationships with the church, some may want a Mass, some may not. What do you do? Which service is right? I would argue that if the deceased has asked for a Catholic Mass, the children must accept that kind of service and cannot grumble that it was not personal enough. If they still want to offer personal tributes, do that at the hotel afterwards. In my experience, many families opt for a Catholic funeral for the wrong reasons, they 'think' that's what mum would want because she occasionally went to church or, believe it or not, they make this choice because it is the cheaper option. It would be great if the Catholic Church offered another kind of (personalised) funeral service for the so-called unchurched and those on the margins of the church. They can and do offer a service like this at a crematorium/funeral parlour and these services are more accommodating to the families needs, but if the service the family specifically asks for is a Mass, the rules are different and the priest does not have any choice but to follow the set rite and liturgy." Dorward has witnessed a variety of funerals. "I have experienced many Masses where the people in the pews were lost, the service went right over their heads and when it came to Holy Communion, five people go up the receive and 100 sit on their bums. Wrong choice, wrong service, who is the blame here? To some extent it is the family and the priest for not offering the right guidance," Dorward explained. "Thankfully this situation has changed now with the arrival of civil funerals but my point is; families should seriously think about what kind of service they want and choose the right one, as you can't repeat a funeral and we know all about the healing power of the 'right' funeral. Remember, too, that with a Catholic Mass you get no choice over the speaker. If the priest is people friendly and will make every effort to make the words of the Mass touch their hearts and souls - great. But if he has a speaking voice that will bore the pants off of you and he makes no effort to communicate with his eyes/mind/soul/body and words then I'm afraid that your Donald Duck (Luck), as they say in London." No matter whether you're stateside or overseas, Dorward reminds families that they are beholden to the "rules" of the church where the service takes place. "In 99% of funeral Masses, songs like 'Danny Boy' will not be allowed but they can be played at the service the night before which is called 'The Reception of Remains' and there is scope for secular music, if there is no Mass and the family have one service only at somewhere like a crematorium or funeral parlour. Specifically for a Catholic Mass, the priest (acting in the name of Christ - in personna Christi) is in charge of the ceremony, the sacrament - not the family. I am not sure if everyone fully understands the purpose of a funeral Mass, especially if they were brought up in the church but have stopped going for whatever reason for the last 20 years and all of a sudden their mother or father dies and they have never really been told what the Mass is all about. The priest does in that sense have a right to say; no to a video, no to a PowerPoint slide show, no to a Frank Sinatra CD, no to a eulogy by the deceased's best friend, as the point of this ceremony, the Mass, is God focused, not deceased focused. Many people who are unfamiliar with the Catholic Church and even Catholic with some basic Catholic education, in my opinion, do not know what the purpose of the funeral Mass. If this does not fit your personal needs, don't have it - have a civil ceremony. I think Catholics need to be educated along these lines and not complain afterwards because it wasn't what they expected and because the service wasn't personalised. It is shocking in your example that a clergyman said he didn't want anyone to be distracted from 'me,' (hey the service/Mass is not about the priest either) but had he said he didn't want anyone to be distracted from the solemnity and the service and distracted from God, I could accept that. I know some priests in Scotland who are very accommodating and will respect some of the family's wishes in respect of music and eulogies, but they do not have to. He is perfectly within his rights to be in charge so to speak. Again, it all depends how it is done. In the ideal world, the family will know in advance what the Mass is all about and what they are letting themselves in to, the priest will know the deceased and will have spent a considerable period of time preparing the service and getting people involved in the funeral." Dorward has attended some beautiful Masses and very moving funerals in churches, but that's because he understands its reason, purpose and where the comfort comes from. "I have experienced many comments about funerals that went wrong. People out there need to know the rules so to speak and the choices that are available and then there is less likelihood of people being hurt and pained at such a significant moment in their lives. The bottom line is (and I can only speak about the Catholic church here) the funeral belongs to God/priest/family/parish community when it is a Catholic religious service." Dorward added, "The funeral belongs to the family when it is a civil service." To visit the writings of UK Celebrant Charles Cowling link to www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/blog.html. To visit the writings of Scottish Celebrant Neil Dorward link to thelegacyman.blogspot.com. |
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Copyright © 2005- Pam Vetter. All rights reserved. |