Celebrant Pam Vetter


	Celebrating Life Everyone Has A Story...

Funeral Celebrant Los Angeles

In Their Own Words: Poignant Funeral Services Matter to Family and Friends

Pam Vetter
January 29, 2009

American Chronicle Article

This article is the third installment of a four-part series entitled "In Their Own Words," sharing stories about personal, meaningful funerals or memorials.

There are a variety of ways to remember our friends and relatives after they die. But, the definition of a meaningful funeral is different for every family.

For Kim Lybrand of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, the minister helped her family immensely when he honored her mother, Lisette Lybrand, by sharing the words to a special song.

"My mother passed away almost two years ago. It was a very sad time for me. One of the things we did to really say goodbye to mom was to take a song by Lionel Richie that always used to remind me of my mom. We took the song title 'Three Times A Lady' and we had the lyrics posted on the funeral program," Lybrand remembered. "It was really nice when the minister read the lyrics out loud to the audience and said it was from my mom's daughters. It was like a goodbye to our mom and I know she heard it!"

Pastor Timothy Palla serves a small country church in McDermott, Ohio. "I am called upon every month, sometimes every week, to offer comfort to a family in our area and perform a funeral service. I've buried them young and old, rich and poor, righteous and heathen," Palla explained. "I've witnessed families throwing themselves into the caskets while they weep and scream and pop illegal drugs, and I've served at some memorial services where the deceased was honored with such respect and dignity that all I could do was weep; the outpouring of love and affection amazed me. I held one graveside service that turned into a Jerry Springer show with women ripping out each other's hair while drunken, drugged men staggered to separate them. You name it, I've seen it."

"I try to make memorial services a celebration of life. I usually spend two-three hours visiting with the family members and getting ideas for the funeral. I hate those cut and dried, right-out-of-the-minister's-black-book, sermonized eulogies," Palla admitted honestly. "The most meaningful services have been where families have a deep commitment to God and know what happens to the redeemed soul when a person dies. Mourners are sad at their loss, but maintain incredible inner strength and clarity of mind. They have boldly read 'daddy's' favorite poem, sang 'mother's' favorite song, recounted loving scenes and deeds, expressed genuine gratitude for the years that they had together, and wept unashamedly before their audiences as their broken hearts were exposed at their weakest moments. And yet they conveyed such honor and affection that you came away knowing you had witnessed the purest, holiest form of love that a human could ever experience. It is this kind of memorial service that has such depth and stirs such awe within the human heart that you know God is real and He changes lives. Speaking as a professional, these are the most meaningful funerals one could ever witness. The truth is...these are not the 'rule,' but the 'exception.'"

Jill Houk, a chef in Chicago, will always remember a poignant funeral service in her family. "Six and a half years ago, my mother's aunt, Theresa Miller, passed away. She was never married, but raised my mother after my grandparents divorced. 'Aunt Tessie' was a staple in our lives, and a grandmother figure. Aunt Tessie was very Catholic, and truly lived a Saint's life. She was kind, did not indulge in vices, and attended church as often as possible-usually twice a week, and every day in later life. When Tessie became debilitated, and it was obvious she needed care, my mother sought the best senior care facility money could buy. Aunt Tessie moved into a Catholic nursing home in a suburb of Chicago, St. Patrick's Residence, and was cared for by nuns. There, she was able to attend daily mass at the beautiful on premise chapel," Houk said. "In 2002, Tessie died as nuns prayed the rosary over her. We held her funeral service in the same gorgeous chapel attached to the nursing home. As the service ended, the casket was brought into a foyer with a domed skylight. As sunlight streamed in, the same nuns who had prayed the rosary over my Aunt greeted the procession with singing. At that moment, I felt like they sang my Aunt into Heaven, where she is today."

Karen Lippe of the San Francisco Bay area has witnessed some amazing moments in funeral service. She carries those moments with her in memory of loved ones.

"My husband's best friend's mother died. At the funeral ceremony, each grandchild or relative carried an item the represented the grandmother. They carried it down the aisle (like a bride would walk) as a narrator told of why the item was important to the deceased. For example, she was of Italian heritage and loved to cook. They carried her wooden spoons and some spaghetti in a container to tell of her love of cooking. Someone carried a Giants baseball hat that represented her love for the San Francisco Giants baseball team. Another carried an angel and told of her years of collecting angels. Each item also included a wonderful story of her delight and passion for the item. Approximately 7-8 items were walked down the aisle by the grandkids, who stood by the priest. It was nice to hear about her loves and to see her grandchildren all at one time. In the end, though I only met the woman once, I knew her a lot more and was sorry I did not get to know her more," Lippe said. "My father died 11 years ago. It is unbelievable that it's been that long. I still think he's on an extended vacation. When he died, I wanted to honor him but I knew I could not stand before everyone and talk. It was perhaps a 'little girl' way of honoring my dad even though I was a woman, but it fit. I wrote a list of my dad's favorite things. All the things he loved from football to lobster to chocolate. I also included his favorite sayings and places to visit. During the ceremony the pastor asked if anyone could share stories of my father and many did. It is my regret that we didn't tape/capture those stories because many I had not heard before. Death is a special time where we stop in our tracks and reflect, celebrate and begin to heal all at once. It is a process we usually do not go through often and is very unfamiliar or at least in this country."

Jill Berry recognizes the fact that family, friends and the community can take part to create incredible farewells.

"I attended the funeral of the 80+ mother of a very dear friend outside Baltimore, Maryland. My friend had watched her mother decline over the last five years due to hip problems, strokes, and some lack of cognitive function. My friend made sure her mother had the best care at home and at the assisted living facility, then nursing home/hospital. The funeral was in the interdenominational chapel at her mom's assisted living facility. My friend and her family are Irish Catholic. My friend grew up in a rowhouse in a Catholic section of Baltimore. At the funeral, there were about eight ladies from Ancient Order of Hibernians -- the Hibernian Sisters. The ladies wore jackets and skirts with a sash made up of the colors of the Irish flag, white, green, and orange. The ladies marched in with the coffin, sat four to a side in the church, and then marched out in military formation. My friend's mother had been a Hibernian Sister, kind of like an honor guard," Berry explained. "My friend who is in her 50s was very close to her mother...best friends. She gave a moving eulogy to her mom...whom she referred to as 'her little Irish mother.' She told many anecdotes of her mother's frugality. My friend named every one of the people attending the funeral who were from the 'old neighborhood.' She included an anecdote about each one. The times she grew up in were tough, but friends helped each other out back then."

Berry also remembers a funeral where everyone in the community was invited into the procession. "About four years ago, a young firefighter/National Guardsman was killed in Iraq. His funeral at a church adjacent to my children's elementary school was attended by service people, two State delegates, and local businesspeople. The funeral cortege passed from the church to the elementary school next-door and finished at the fire station located in the road beside the elementary school. Part of the procession was a group of Hell's Angels who accompany funerals of military people. A friend sent out an e-mail to get local people to line the procession route from the school to the fire station," Berry said. "It was a moving sendoff for someone who gave everything for his country."

For some families, the funeral service isn't as meaningful as the reception. Revvell P. Revati of Southern California was faced with organizing her mother's funeral. While she decided to drop the church procession, the priest conducted services at the funeral home and the family gathered afterward for a reception. "I'd not seen my relatives in 30 years. It was nice to catch up with them; see my favorite great uncle Kenny for the last time before he died and probably my great aunt Alice as well plus, the neighbors I grew up with. Their daughter couldn't make it to the funeral/reception, but she and I got together a day or so later and couldn't stop jammering," Revati said. "It was a good thing."

Sometimes unexplained moments occur after a death. They are moments that make you stop and think. Latayne C. Scott of Albuquerque, New Mexico, experienced one of those moments. "I recently attended the funeral of Vernon Stableford, a man at our church who died of cancer at the age of 57. The funeral was held at the church he'd attended for 37 years. Our bell system (which rang at the end of classes) was one that he had 'rigged up' with a primitive, ancient computer, tinfoil, and some other materials 26 years ago." Latayne added, "It stopped working the day before he died."

Pictured: Lisette Lybrand (Kim Lybrand's mother)

For Part One of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Powerful, Personal Memorial Ceremonies Capture Passions and Favorites in Life .

For Part Two of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Meaningful Funerals Create Memories That Last a Lifetime .

For Part Four of this article series link to In Their Own Words: Death and Funerals Mark Transitions with Life Changing Moments.

Go back to top