Celebrant Pam Meily Vetter


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Final Farewells at Home
Contributed by: Pam Vetter

10/4/06 Valley News Article

The Amish have always held funeral services in their homes. Now, more families are considering the same option of personal funeral service at home.

Holding a home funeral is legal in the valley, Los Angeles, and throughout the state of California. Only seven states require a funeral director to file paperwork, but in all states, it is legal to have a body, with or without a casket, in your home to hold visitation and funeral services after a death occurs.

Lisa Carlson, author of "Caring for the Dead: Your Final Act of Love," and executive director of the non-profit Funeral Ethics Organization, believes families have to start talking about death.

"The first thing that is important for families is to be able to talk about funeral wishes. When my mother-in-law was dying of Aids in 1986, nobody talked about it, because she wanted a miracle," Carlson explained. "It's the same thing when people don't want to go to Hospice because they don't want to give up. But, discussions have to happen ahead of time."

Many of us have been raised not to discuss death, especially with those who are dying. But, more families across the United States are starting to talk about death and specifically, funeral plans. It is a trend that comes with the baby boomer generation.

"The boomer generation is the information generation. They are educating themselves on their rights and all of their options. They wrote their own wedding vows, they home school their kids, and they're taking control of this right as well," Carlson said. "Caring for your dead gives people a sense of control. Washing the body, caring for the body, keeping it at home, transporting the body if you can, it is the most loving way to say goodbye. It is a logical extension of caring for a child after birth. Having something physically to do with the body helps with the healing."

In fact, many home funerals are being conducted for children.

"It makes a dramatic difference to parents when they lose a child to have a hands-on experience. Whether it's making a casket by hand, digging a grave by hand, or caring for the body at home," Carlson said. "Some parents need that extra time to say goodbye and it is their right in California for them to have that time."

Last week in Florida, Kim and Dennis Robinstein lost their 10-year-old son, Terran Robinstein, three weeks after multiple organ transplant surgery. His parents had promised to bring him home, but they hit roadblocks immediately.

"First, we had problems removing him from the hospital. Then, he was released to a funeral home in Miami and embalmed without our permission. The first funeral home we contacted locally said no to a home funeral. I hated the way it was going, because he was still our child," Kim explained. "Then, finally, the second funeral home we contacted said yes to our plans."

Terran was dressed in his Power Rangers pajamas, laid on the bunk bed in his bedroom, and the family had two days of visitation time at home. It was important for the family to have time to say goodbye to their son.

"Everyone says 'One more day,' but I had two more days with him. Peaceful time to hold his hand, kiss him, and sit with him for hours by his side," Kim said. "I'm not happy with the way things started, but in the end, everybody's needs were met. Everyone got to say farewell in their own way. Nearly 500 people, many strangers, came to our home during the visitation time. We had the home funeral followed by a traditional service at the funeral home. I liked the end result, but no mother should be put through this."

The family received support from Joshua Slocum, executive director of Funeral Consumer Alliance, a national organization which advocates for consumer protection in funeral affairs.

"People need to understand that the only thing that's different is that the child isn't breathing. It's not a health hazard to be around him. There's no mystery to this. As parents, we care for our children when they're sick. We can wash a body and care for it in death as well. Parents have every right to give that last act of parental care and they need to stand up for that right," Slocum said.

While home funerals are gaining interest, Slocum agreed that it is still a small minority.

"Interest is growing. Most importantly, people are talking about death. Community groups are more open to talking about it," Slocum said. "When it comes to home funerals, cost is not the biggest issue. But, it doesn't matter whether it's cost, religion, philosophy or grief that brings a family to this decision. Families who have home funerals say it's an intimate family connection and their choice to bring things home."

For more information on the Funeral Consumer Alliance contact www.funerals.org or for information on Funeral Ethics Organization contact www.funeralethics.org. For information from the California Funeral and Cemetery Bureau contact www.cfb.ca.gov/.

Related articles on Terran Robinstein's home funeral can be found at these links: http://www.sptimes.com/2006/09/27/Tampabay/Finally_at_rest__in_h.shtml. or www.Terranstransplant.com.

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